Something personal, Work
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003. February: “Went under a bus, got hit by a train.”



The love month came in quickly and is leaving just as quickly. And frankly, it’s a relief.

Emotions are all over the place, and I wish I could blame it on the hormones. Relationships start, and they end. As much as possible, I avoid talking about my romantic relationships. It’s not a matter of keeping it secret, but rather, it’s something between me and my partner. And to be honest, once people know about it, they will have a lot to say, and far too often, they are unsolicited advice, and in some cases jokes that are part unkind and part something else.

A friend jokingly commented, “AFAM, sagot sa kahirapan!” It’s not a funny joke, and never will be. I had to shut that down quickly, as it was an uncalled-for joke. Even if it’s given by people you consider close friends.

It was by no means an easy relationship. A long distance one never really is, and I know fully well the kind of commitment it entails. In many cases they do work out. But it did not in mine.

I can say that it was wonderful while it lasted and I mean it. It was sad that it had to end, as my partner and I still care for each other. But he had a lot of things on his plate, and would require so much effort and time to get it sorted out. Both of us didn’t want to get to the point where resentments would fester, so we thought it was for the best that we part ways.

Just because it was a mutual decision doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to mourn the end of a relationship. Yes, it was also an on-and-off one, but frankly, that’s no longer anyone’s business. 

Also, another takeaway: you have the right to mourn the end of that relationship in any way you want. In my case, I had to delete all the pictures he sent me. Otherwise, I’d stare at them all the time, and I’ll end up crying, ergo, not much work would be done. And we totally can’t have that. No, we can’t.

So, what next? I’m going to have to carry on without him now. It’s going to be a huge adjustment, as there would be no chats before I wind down to sleep. No waking up to a good morning text, which tells me that he has been thinking of me. And I could no longer send the same kind of messages to him. I no longer have that right.

But on the other hand, I have work and graduate school to keep me busy. And heaven help me: I hope I don’t cry at random times. Because I’m still grieving.


Filed under: Something personal, Work


Filipina, 40s. Public servant by day, grad student at night. Blueberry cheesecake and cat enthusiast. Loves a good caramel milk tea with egg pudding.

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