Trigger warning: suicide.
A few weeks ago, my work friends and I encountered huge traffic on our way home, which was an understatement. We checked in on Waze, to see what was going on. And we found out that someone committed suicide somewhere near where we live.
It made me think about a lot of things. First off, about the person who committed suicide. Of course, I don’t know him or her, but I can only imagine how he must have felt like. That he or she is already in a dark place, and of course, the pandemic didn’t make things better. But I uttered a short, silent prayer that God will take care of that person, and make sure that he or she will be okay.
And it also made me take stock of a lot of things. About my faith in general, and how far I’ve come since…well…I’ve attempted suicide.
I did attempt it four years ago. Back then, I was spiralling out of control. I did tell you in a few blog posts that I was in a bad place emotionally and mentally, but this is the first time that I’ve talked about how bad it actually was outside of my circle of close friends, that is.
That moment I heard that someone committed suicide, my first thought was–that easily could have been me, four years ago. I can still remember the feel of the knife blade on my skin; a millimetre more, and it could have sliced my skin, sliced my veins. But it didn’t, because my mother caught me, and asked what I was doing. And I just broke down. I was so lost, I didn’t know what to do. I was in a dark, dark place–I didn’t want to stay there, but I didn’t know how to get out, either. It wasn’t the first time I’ve attempted to do it–there were many instances I’ve considered letting myself be run over by vehicles, but even so, I hated causing the driver the inconvenience of a lawsuit. Or because I was too much of a chicken to take the plunge. So, I never did try again after my, uh…brief encounter with a car.
But here I am, four years later. Alive, still kicking, still breathing. And feeling incredibly lucky, and blessed–oh, maybe both.
My faith is still wonky in many places, but I can now safely say that I’m working on having a better relationship with God. He’s worked wonders in my life, and He still does. And He gave me something else to think about too, in the form of one of my good friends. She invited me to work with her and other remarkable women to help organise book drives for kids who have no access to books and reading. It’s a very young organisation, but we’re working on making it really sustainable. One of our projects is to donate a tablet to children or teachers in need, and we’ve already helped out a student and a teacher. So, if you want to work with us, please let us know!
Going back to the topic of suicide, it is never an easy subject to talk about. The reason why people do it is always a grey area. Before, I never really understood why people do it–until I almost did it. And it’s what a lot of people need–someone they can talk who will really listen and not judge them. We all live in a different world, and empathy seems to be in short supply these days. There are people who need hope. They need assurance that things can and will get better.
To the person who committed suicide–I hope you’re okay. I hope that you don’t feel pain anymore.
If you need to talk or get something out of your chest, please feel free to send me an email, or send me a message via my Twitter. I hope I can help you, and I will do my best to do that. 🙂